top of page

Cats Investigating Report That Mouse Was Killed

Following an exclusive report from Rodent Journal last Sunday that a mouse was seized, tortured and murdered by a cat at 184 Langley Ave, the Federation of Felines told Wildernews they are launching an official investigation.

“No one is more concerned with the wellbeing of mice than us,” said Fluffy, an orange tabby who handles media relations for the group. “We promise the wider animal community a full and impartial investigation.”

Mice present at the scene claimed that Minnie Mouse, a long time resident of 184 Langley Ave well known for her Mouse Rights activism, was on her way to the family kitchen to gather a cheese crumb when a large housecat named “Wittgenstein” leaped on her and carried her off in his mouth, proceeding to torture her for 15 full minutes before she died.

Whether she died from wounds inflicted by the cat or from some other cause was not known.

“This is not the first time this has happened,” Sonny Mouse, a local rodent, told Wildernews. “The cats seize whichever one of us they want, when we they want, with total impunity.”

Asked about his hopes from the official investigation, Sonny was skeptical. “Their investigations never lead to real change. It’s just a show for all of God’s creatures great and small, to look good.”

Wittgenstein, the cat who is alleged to have killed Minnie, fervently denied the charges at a press conference Tuesday. “These allegations are completely baseless,” he said, “exactly the kind of fake claims one would expect from thieves and squatters like these house mice.”

There have been several thousand claims of mice being killed by cats in the area of Langley Ave so far this year. Cats have denied all charges.

bottom of page